Why “How Did That Make You Feel?” Is the Wrong Question

Think about how often we ask people, “How did that make you feel?”

A colleague criticises your work. A friend cancels plans. Your partner forgets an important date. Someone cuts you up in traffic.

Almost automatically, we ask: “How did that make you feel?”

The question sounds harmless, but it contains an assumption: that the event itself created the feeling. It suggests that emotions are something that happen to us rather than something we experience and respond to.

A more useful question is:

“How did you feel?”

This small change matters.

When we ask, “How did that make you feel?”, we place the power outside the person. We imply that someone else, or something else, caused their emotional state.

When we ask, “How did you feel?”, we recognise that while events influence us, our feelings are our own. Different people can experience exactly the same situation and respond in completely different ways. One person may feel angry, another disappointed, another amused, and another completely unaffected.

The event is the same. The response is different.

There is another reason why this question matters.

Many of us create a headline for our emotions. We say, “I was angry,” “I was upset,” or “I was stressed.” But these labels often hide a much more complex emotional experience.

What we call anger may actually be a cocktail of emotions: hurt, disappointment, humiliation, rejection, fear, disrespect, sadness, frustration, and anger all mixed together.

By slowing down and becoming more specific about what we are feeling, we gain valuable information about what has happened and why it matters to us. Someone who says they are angry may discover that what they are really struggling with is feeling excluded, unappreciated, embarrassed, or powerless.

That deeper understanding creates choice. It helps us respond more effectively rather than simply reacting.

Being curious about emotions does not require us to assume people are powerless. Instead of asking what something “made” them feel, we can explore what they felt, what meaning they attached to the situation, and how they chose to respond.

Language shapes thinking. Thinking shapes behaviour.

A simple shift from “How did that make you feel?” to “How did you feel?” encourages a mindset that recognises self-awareness, personal responsibility, and emotional literacy.

If you would like to explore the rich range of emotions that sit beneath the headlines we often use, you can find a useful guide here: https://www.mindschange.co.uk/list-of-emotions/

It may seem like a small difference, but sometimes the smallest changes in language create the biggest changes in perspective.